Not sure if it was my fault, but I do felt as though I was sinking down deeper into something not-too-good.

Imagining myself being so happy over the past few months, more that 7 months actually, that we have been so happy, loving, caring, supportive and understanding of each other. I don't really know since when I started to act out in such a weird way, trying and picking him at the most little things.

Yet, I couldn't stop myself. I get agitated at his remarks and I get angry when he doesn't react the way I want him to. So definitely, it is my fault that I kept on belittling him. OMG! I feel so bad right now.

I guess it started when he told me that he was signing the papers. I guess I got insecure as that would mean he would get his freedom really soon. And perhaps, then he would be free from me too since not many women would want to be with a tied-down man. And then, probably he would find better choices out there. (But then, think again. If he was to leave you, he would have done so long ago, regardless of who might be in. If he doesn't have you in his heart, why would he go such extents to make you happy over the past few months?)

Then, the recent relationships my friends face with their partners, One who cannot communicate with her hub anymore, and end up quarreling; the other one who was angry with her long time bf for forgetting an important event, and still be nonchalant. Described fully how strong or weak relationships can be. (It is not the duration that withstand the love, it is the progress that you have made, events that you both have gone through over time to strengthen your relationship. If you care, why would you treat your other half like an enemy? Why don't you care more, say more kind words, lose no temper at him, make him smile more and want to make him feel bliss when he is with you?)

Well, I guess I was not too forgiving in his mistakes and his blunders. I have no idea why I was reverting back to where I was.

I was afraid... Afraid of losing him. The more afraid I was, the tighter I tried to get hold of him, the more he felt suffocated and the strainer our relationship got.

We always felt the past was happier. more laughters, more memories, more things learnt, more things we went through.

 

But now... Why do we always feel there is something left out, something missing out?

That's because we have stopped learning.

 

Keep learning.

Be motivated to move on in life and to learn a lot more because LIFE has so much to offer 


The past few days I have been asking myself the same questions round and round. What am i pursuing in life? How do I live life with more energy and happiness and laughter? When I see cases of people or rather friends mingling around, laughing out loud and making jokes, sometimes it felt like they are being fake or just putting on a show to make themselves look friendlier, but then when there are several cases that I see the same thing happening, I started to wonder. Is it me who is wrong or is the whole world wrong? I know I cannot be the truth if the whole world is acting the same way. At least what happy people are acting. Everywhere people are looking forward to improve and thrive on something new, learn new things, make new friends. 


Everybody but  me. I am the only one maintaining status quo no matter how much I told myself to move on. Why is this so? Why am I so stuck in the rut myself? Why do I not dare to move or even take a step further.... 


Is it me? Am I really that lazy? Is it my character? Is this how I am destined? But Liao Fan said we can change our destinies... I believe him, because he is a true case. 


People are better if they are part of a family, a community, a nation, a place where they belong. And make the effort to be... 


I wish to live a fulfilling life.. 

Solemn Goodbye

Received a bad and much saddened news on Monday. Yiyi has left us. It was so sudden and I really couldn't accept it as it had happened too fast. Really very sad and heartbroken to hear that. That afternoon, I could not work well... Neither could I stop my tears. Every moment I take my mind off something I was doing brought me back to my memories with her, eventhough they were very brief as our contact had very much reduced after I came to Singapore. Nevertheless, no matter how sad I am, one could only imagine how much more sadness my mum felt, losing her only sister and the playmate she had been with during her childhood. So much memories, all taken away without even the chance to say goodbye properly. 


Life is really hard on us at times. We have to cherish and treasure every moment we have in this world. No one would ever thought of that when they were pursuing their careers and neglected the person who asked more about their day, nor the person who cooked nutritious food for them. All we could care for are the non living material pursuits.


Maybe not all of us, but definitely most of us living in the city where tigers fight for preys even. You may not even be a tiger but you strive to be one, at least pretend to be one. Life is too short. We know not when we have to leave without being able to say love or thank you. 


Cherish....


I wish yiyi find peace, happiness and comfort in heaven now. She will be deeply missed. 

Fateful Destiny

I guess this is the best I could go. I spent the last of yesterday's evening back in my room doing nothing but watching movies and playing facebook games... When I tried to lay down on my bed, I had some spinning moments when I thought I would be knocked out pretty fast. Turned out it wasn't the case. I spent the next hour or so drifting in and out of consciousness.

Yesterday, my sis asked me a question. I suppose it has been in my sob-conscious mind all along but I have no strength nor will to make any decision. Dad's condition has been more or less the same. Ever since his operation a year plus ago, we have been trying to bring him into understanding that healthy lifestyle is vital. He always seem to be happy-go-lucky about his health, at least in front of us. How am I suppose to let him realize that healthy lifestyle is not just mere deviation from past eating habits but also to sweat out more. Recently, there has been an increase in his aorta aneurysm but doctor has recommended to monitor for another six (6) months before we decide whether to go for op anot. Due to the lack of facility and technology back home, it was suggested that the procedure be done here.

I am really at crossroads, a word I almost always use whenever I blog.

Last night, while half dozing, my mind kept drifting towards whether to return home or not. The same question that my sis asked me, 'Have you ever thought of coming back?" Seriously, I did. I told her yes. But it ended there. I know the why. But when and how, I really don;t know. For one thing, I have found happiness here at least now. I know it is selfish of me and it did also cross my mind that family IS more important that blossoming no-blood-relation love. And we definitely won't know how far we will go. 

I only know that we both have been through a lot this two years. We faced problems from quarrels to cold wars, sickness to healthy lifestyle, work and future planning, experiencing first time moments, spending time together as family. Only recently did we manage to learn how to love each other. I was given the chance to meet his family finally and had been spending most of my time with them the past few weeks. Everything was working, or so I thought. I had even made plans to further my studies, I had plans to do this to do that.

But life, always have to make us choose. Do I have a choice here?

OK, I know I am selfish. I know I have been away from home for almost ten years. But that is precisely what it is now. I am so used to the lifestyle here.

On the other hand, I really have thought of going back, Seriously. I had thought of going back and accompany my parents, spend more time with them. I could even have my own car (something which I have always wanted but could not afford in Singapore) and definitely savings would be much much more over there.

Do I have to give up something in order to gain something else? The only thing and person I could not bear to lose is him.

I kept telling myself that 'it's okay, everything will work out fine'. But we all know it's not. I have to make a decision ultimately. Do I really have only ten years in Singapore? Are we really not destined?

Nothing but long sighhhh......................................................................

A Preview of 2012

9 days have passed since the start of the new year... In roughly 10 days, I will be back to Brunei.. And in 14 days, we will be welcoming the lucky blissful dragon year for which many are anticipating with excitement and glee..

 

How I love the new year is that, we always have so much to look forward to, to hope for in every beginning of the year.

 

This year, I was not able to make any resolutions though. It actually made me felt drained over the last few days of 2011.

 

Nevertheless, there are so much things which happened in the last year that I am grateful for... For instance, the opportunity to be out seeing some parts of Asia in the last half of 2011... Also, I finally had the chance to be out with the boys whom I have dreamt so much the past 1.5years, it has been a great and satisfying experience. While changes are never-ending, some changes like a new job, a new place to live, trying out new activities and making new friends actually made my year more fulfilling.

 

Wow... Looking back, 2011 was not that bad for me...

 

Well, there are some issues that I can actually work on in this new year and moving forward. Namely:

 

1) Sophisticating my life

  - Learning to live life in a more gentle, upside, sophisticated manner....

 

2) Adding my confidence and esteem levels

  - Learn to stand up for myself, never let others take my rights away...

 

3) Reading up more to polish my blunt English

  - In Progress

 

4) Having the opportunities to love myself more

  - Going for pampering treats... Spending time alone, and improving myself with better and new habits...

 

5) Spending more time with my loved ones

  - Spending time with my family.. and him.. 

 

6) Actually enjoy meeting people

  - Making new friends widen my horizon, be in social or knowledge...

 

 

 

Ending 2011 on a weak note

Why on a weak note?
 
First of all, everything in my life seems to br crumbling down. I fell sick about a week ago and there is no sign of recovering. Health is also an issue with myself now cuz for the past 6 to 8 months, I've noticed obvious changes in my features, as with the loss of hair and frequent breakouts.
 
Relationship is also a major headache for me, coming and going, leaving and returning. I really dunno what I have to do. Or perhaps there is nothing I can do anymore since it is fated to be this way. I have ever felt more disappointed, distraught, distressed and disheartened than now. I was never given serious though upon and always being taken for granted.

 

 

On the high note, I have been travelling to several places this year, besides the usual Malaysia and Home, I went to Taiwan and Bali in the second quarter of the year. Much as I enjoyed being on maiden trips, I also enjoyed going on solo. 

 

Having experienced art and music this year, I am satisfied having tried and knowing where my limit lies. I am definitely not that creative as I thought. Nevertheless, it has been an enjoyable ride this year. 

 

I made a major shift in April /May; which included change in my career as well as relocated my living place to the western part. Moving from a workplace of 4 years, I had enough of the monotonous and unchallenging work life that keeps on consuming my inner self. Desperate to leave, I had decided to either change a new workplace or go back Brunei indefinitely. On the last day when i finally decided to leave, I got a call from this company and have been with them the past 6 months. It has been a challenging move, now I am chasing deadlines everyday and have to work on improving my relationship skills.

 

Moving to a new room in the west, I suppose having to do with fengshui, my health kinda suffered. Or perhaps it was my relationship that brought me so much stress that changed my body physics. Nevertheless, relationship has also been bringing me lots of headaches. Having leaving and coming back to and fro, finally I realised that I am not as important to him as I thought and all those I was told of was just on the surface matters. No matter what I do and sacrifice, he will never be able to love me. I have never been more disheartened, disappointed, distraught and distressed as this moment.

 

Maybe it's me. Maybe I let myself succumb to his haughtiness and nonchalance, thinking that I could allow myself to accept if i try. But it is fruitless. I am totally given up, wasted and drained. I can't move forward in this anymore and I don't want to do this anymore.

 

~Accept, Don't Expect~

"Life is
trusting your feelings and taking chances, 
losing and finding happiness,
appreciating the memories,
learning from the past,
and realizing people change..."